my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
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Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
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In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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