Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Randomize