Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
