Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
