I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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