turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Randomize
