walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
