OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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