My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
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Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
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There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.