seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear