The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
