I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
