my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?