for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
