he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?