Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
