love makes seman taste better
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Liz is crying about burritos again.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
