dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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