I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize