drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
