I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize