Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
