I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
