We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
40s are totally the cure
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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