I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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