i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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