why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved