So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
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Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
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Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I love you. Go after that dick
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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