I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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