were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
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First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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