she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
