Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
