he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
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after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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