Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher