Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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