I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
