i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
