You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
my liver is dry heaving
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
