the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
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she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
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