U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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