Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
