Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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