Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
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OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.