Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
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Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
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Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml