final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
