I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
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Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
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Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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