i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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