i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
