he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
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Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
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If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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