FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize