ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
