Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
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We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
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I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.